"I'm a bad Jew"

That's what I said on Yom Kippur as I ate bacon a decade ago on my pathetic college mattress. I was 21, living the sorority life on "college ave" with a group of people I called friends: we partied, we studied, we hooked up with the same people, we got hurt, we had "fun" (was it ever really that fun?) and religion and spirituality were not a part of my world.

I love all parts of myself, or at least I try to. But hungover and weary, I remember this time with a lot of compassion for baby me. Oh sweet one, that life didnt really fit quite right, did it? I was always performing, trying to be cool, trying to say the right thing, trying not to let me goofy enthusiasm slip out at the wrong moment. I really wanted to be cool and fit in. And while others were probably genuinely enjoying their frat party experience (good for them!)

I. Was. Not.

Back to being a bad Jew. I loved (and still do love, in my mind...and nose...) bacon. This is one of those moments that sticks out to me, framed in my mind. Now as an orthodox Jew, I think its wild that I i thought old me was a "bad jew". Mostly, I hadn't a clue what Jewish wisdom had to offer me. That 21 yr old was curious, pretty unhappy with her current life setup, yearning for honest aliveness, was what got me to where I am today.

As a Baal Tshuva (someone who becomes more observant later in life) I know deeply that we are all good. That wherever we are right now, right here, exactly as we are, is holy. I have fought for that belief. When pushy Rabbis felt they knew what was best for my practice, I pushed back on my own desire to please them, and centered in myself. We know our own bodies and souls better than anyone. And that knowing, that internal truth, she is my guide.

Let me explain. One of the core beliefs I've nurtured throughout my journey (lol) to return to ancient Jewish wisdom is this:

God is the magic and beauty and okayness and stillness and delight in us all.

Sound woo woo?

Well its actually supported by ancient and sustained jewish texts and wisdom. At the core of my practice is the question that turns so many away from spiritual experience.

Is god a man in the sky?

I always say: I dont believe in the god you dont believe in, either. No way am I putting my "faith" in the hands of a fabled old man.

Thank god Jewish wisdom teaches that God is essentially oneness, the sweet truthful voice inside us, and that I can get on board with. Its said that when the biblical characters "heard gods voice" during prophetic times, they actually heard god as sounding like their own voice. That idea always makes me want to tear up. We've got the wisdom inside of us! That's a soul!

Back in college, on my creaky college avenue bed, I was starting to yearn for that wisdom, that oneness. That feeling you get when you've just meditated, that knowing you have when you behave in a way that aligns with your beliefs, that elation you get when you get to give to someone who needs it, just right... Wherever you are now, weather you're loving bacon or like me, just trying to get a whiff: welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

I'm not here because I know more than you, or to teach you or convince you god forbid. You know you best. I'm just here to connect with you and maybe find a little bit of god in each other.

LChaim.